When picking a canine companion for our family we had a few simple guidelines. We wanted a breed that would provide protection, be intimidating-yet kid friendly and low maintenance. Naturally we chose the clearly menacing Miniature Wiener Dog.
Meet Daisy…AKA snicker doodle…AKA Danny’s 11 pound allergy magnet.
She fits NONE of the qualifications on our Perfect Pet list but one- Low maintenance. She is mild mannered, easily lovable and tolerant, as you can see by the holiday costumes. Another endearing trait is that she sleeps 17 hours a day, usually on her back with her paws sprawled in every direction snoring loudly and tucked snugly under my 15 year old daughter’s electric blanket.
When not sleeping she has one goal in life…to catch the Demon Squirrel that lives in our backyard.
This morning Daisy sat for hours by our sliding glass door, her eyes darted quickly from side to side trying to detect even the smallest rodent like movement, a low growl radiated from the depth of her elongated torso. Once the enemy was spotted she maneuvered herself into a low crouch preparing to pounce like an African Lion.
The Demon Squirrel spotted her immediately and casually swaggered towards the house stopping a mere foot from our porch…A smirk played at the corners of his lips as he held his tiny palms outward with extended fingers curling as if to say “Bring it on slinky dog!”
This may seem like an unusually stupid thing for a squirrel to do…encourage a dog whose ancestors were bred to hunt badgers and other ferocious animals! But apparently he was not your average backyard tree acrobat- obviously trained at a special CIA squirrel academy he possessed some major ninja skills! I’m talking Jackie Chan quality moves people!
Minutes passed and the air thickened with unpredictability. The Suspense was intense! Then as if by some unspoken signal Daisy darted full speed towards her target. The squirrel hesitated as if suddenly fascinated with a particular blade of grass that had caught his attention…death seemed inevitable as Daisy covered the last few feet separating her from the unsuspecting appetizer.
Amazingly at the very last second the Demon Squirrel darted backwards (in which could only be described as a perfect round off back handspring maneuver) and the chase was on! Squirrel and doxon whizzed towards the fence, a blur of fur and frenzy! Leaping with super strength, the Demon Squirrel sprang from the jaws of certain death and landed safely out of reach along our cedar fence.
Daisy (blinded by rage, her plans foiled once more) lost herself to a psychotic episode which included manic barking and frantic hind leg stepping (similar to River Dancing)
On the fence the Demon Squirrel opened his tiny mouth and bared his small grotesque nut cracking teeth! Out of the depth of his tiny soulless body obnoxious chattering erupted and filled the air with a hail storm of Squirrel profanities that rained down upon my backyard with great gusto.
I Opened the door I glared intently at the Demon Rat wishing I had some miniature hotel soap to wash his dirty mouth out. Before leaping to a nearby branch and out of sight he released a final string of particularly impressive insults that hung heavily in the morning air.
Daisy, overcome by exhaustion and defeat, shamefully started her slow retreat back towards the house. Her head hanging low and tail threaded between her legs.
I gave her some cheesy fish crackers (“Doxon Crack” as we refer to it) as a consolation prize for her efforts and watched as she pitifully disappeared into the warm security of her electric blanket toting her stuffed ducky.
I have never been a fan of bullies so I believe the time has come for some street…or should I say “backyard” justice. I think this is the weekend I’ll borrow my Dad’s shot gun for some target practice. I wonder how fast a Demon Squirrel can run with his butt full of shrapnel? Watch it Rat Boy…your days are numbered!
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