My best friend Jenni's birthday was this last Sunday and her wonderful husband made all of her friends jealous by buying her a beautiful light green VW beetle. In true Jenni fashion, she called her sidekick roady best friend (me) on Monday and announced a spontaneous whirlwind overnight road trip to Salt Lake to christen her new baby. Of course I was totally in!
In the last 8 years Jenni-Bean and I have been on several crazy mini vacations. We have dubbed them “Jenber” ( Jenni/Amber) adventures.
There was the time we traveled nonstop sleeping in our car, and freezing our tushes off so we could see our beloved Broncos play in the 2nd Fiesta Bowl. Or the time we locked ourselves out of our car in McCall and had to call Jenni's husband to come rescue us. Our super cool trip to Oregon with our daughters where we visited all the Twilight film sights like giddy teenage stalkers....and who could forget the time we frantically ran down a subway terminal in San Francisco trying to catch up with a train that Jenni accidentally left her purse on.
My craziest adventures have all had Jenni at the heart of them- and this trip to Utah did not disappoint.
We were packed and on the road by 10am, great timing for two wonder moms who are always running behind. One small overnight bag apiece took up a fraction of the roomy trunk/backseat of Jenni's new baby, so much potential for a promising spontaneous shopping spree and we were highly motivated.
After 5 hours of laughing, crying and getting out all of our "feminine" venting the floor of our car was covered with Kleenex and candy wrappers and we had reached our destination. The large Yellow and blue IKEA sign peeked over the freeway like a welcoming beacon. Smiles spread across our faces like warm butter in a hot pan. We exchanged a knowing look of excited anticipation. Kid free and without time restraints we were about to enter one of our favorite stores....this was EPIC!
IKEA (for those of you living in a bubble) is the utopia of home furnishing stores. I'm talking Disneyland for homemakers. It is ginormous! Take two Costcos and stack them on top of each other and you are getting close to understanding the bodacious size of this 8th wonder of the world. I'm not into idol worshiping but if I was...and you gold plate the outside...I would be among those lighting incense and leaving burnt offerings.
I think whoever named the store IKEA made a mistake on the spelling though. It should have been named “ISEEA”. This is because, from the moment you walk through the front doors, everything you see you will want to buy. I-SEE-A bookshelf I have to have! I-SEE-A rug I can’t live without! I-SEE-A chandelier that is begging me to take it home! It is pure glorious torture.
We had shopped for 3 hours and had covered an impressive quarter of the store. This is mostly due to Jenni's ability to power shop. Jenni has any number of impressive lists stored in her head at all times. Today she had submerged herself neck deep in one labeled “Jazzy's bedroom makeover." Her daughter had just turned 17 and she was updating her room with modern furniture and bold colors.
She saw each isle as a challenge. She would scan the area quickly, take immediate inventory and with the skill of a professional shopping athlete, snatch items off shelves with lightening speed while checking them off her mental list. She was a buying tornado! Stackable boxes- check! Storage bench-check! Knickknacks and decorative pillows- check. Shelves, Desk, full length mirror, large black coffee table, padded chair, and a Four foot framed picture- Check, Check, Check! If shopping was an Olympic sport Jenni would be the US team captain!
I, on the other hand, am annoyingly charmingly methodical. I engage in a mental war over each possible purchase. Will it fit? Is it the right shade? Will I like it when I get home as much as I do in the tricky store lighting?
I held a $2 set of votive candles in front of me for 20 minutes talking myself in...and then out of them, until Jenni sent a search party. I added the candles to the 2 other items in my cart. Three items in 3 hours. I smugly patted myself on the back for my expedient decision making. Jenni nodded at my growth approvingly.
Four hours in we stopped at the full-sized cafeteria to power up on steamed veggies and French fries. We figured if we ate equal amounts they would cancel each other out. Fed and rehydrated we caught our second wind and headed for the second floor elevators.
We were up to our elbows in wicker baskets when the loud speaker announced 30 minutes until closing. Panic shot through us like turkeys on November 24th. Jenni left me desperately wading through a sea of baskets (trying to find 6 that perfectly matched) and made a mad dash for the "big" item pickup isles.
We agreed to meet by the registers and if one failed to show, the other promised to put up “lost friend" posters and offer a substantial reward.
With 15 minutes till close I tracked Jenni down in isle 211. She had been crushed under a coffee table box and was pathetically trying to reach her Burts Bees chapstick that had rolled out of her purse in the fall.
We managed to muscle the last of our purchases into one overflowing shopping cart and a flatbed and headed to the registers. Needless to say we were the last ones in line to check out.
While Jenni helped the two IKEA employees ring up her treasures I began to notice for the first time how much stuff we were actually buying.....and then simultaneously.....what car we had arrived in. I have had similar thoughts of unrealistic expectations when I shop with Danny for bikinis - "you want all this (sweeping my arm down the length of my body), to fit in to that (imagine a string bikini that would cover a 6 month old)” Comical....sure, realistic...nada.
Jenni- the forever the optimist- giggled when I expressed my doubts and assured me all would fit. I reminded her that since the store was now closed and we were from out of town if something didn't fit we would be forced to leave it in the parking lot or sleep in our car so we could watch it until the store opened in the morning. She quickly thought this over and then in a stroke of genius played the part of “Damsel in Distress” and asked two male store employees to help us load our car, this way insuring we had a way back into the store if necessary.
Walking outside we were greeted by a torrential downpour. The deserted parking lot looked like a wading pool. Jenni set out into the darkness in search of our car while I waited under an awning with our unsuspecting 'man'terauge.
The men joked about the rain and how we women sure “stocked up" on our little shopping excursion, when out of the darkness appeared Jenni in her tiny lime green beetle. "Ummm....that's our ride," I said sheepishly trying not to make eye contact.
"You have got to be kidding me," I heard the older worker say in an awed hush, while our younger helper was more optimistic recalling similar challenges he had been involved in while pledging a fraternity in college. I was impressed with his ability to stuff 8 hot dogs in his mouth at one time and for the first time since we had checked out I was hopeful.
Jenni jumped out of her car with inhuman energy and whipped open the back hatch revealing a trunk space that I was positive had shrunken to the size of a toddler bed in the time since we entered the store. I hid my concerned expression and turned to our helpers with an overly convincing smile and an encouraging thumbs up.
Who were we kidding....we all were standing on the deck of a sinking ship with the name “Titanic” plastered on its side and we knew it. All except Jenni - she was the one person still dancing in the ballroom refusing to get worked up over a little chunk of ice.
With the experience of a person who has pack a car beyond its limits before, Jenni started directing her helpers in “where and when” to hand her each object. She stacked and stuffed with extraordinary skill while I stood under the awning falling comfortably into my usual position of “Doubtful Observer”. No need for all of us to get wet I reasoned.
Remember the Disney movie “Mary Poppins?" There is a scene in it where Mary Poppins starts unpacking her carpet bag while she sings and by the end of the second verse she had managed to pull out a dresser, a mirror, a hat rack and a large 5 foot sofa lamp. I swear this is exactly what I was watching, but in reverse.
Boxes after boxes, and Bags after Bags, entered the trunk and disappeared into the black hole of her beetle. One worker foolishly sacrificed his own wellbeing by climbing into the mobile vortex.....I was pretty sure he was a goner until we found him trapped under the desk box gnawing off his own arm in an attempt to escape.
What took us 6 hours to find took only 20 minutes to load. The entire car was packed tight like a fat man in a scuba suit. In the end we managed to fit everything we had purchased except a 4 foot framed picture that we couldn't jimmy through the trunk's opening.
Low riding from the significant additional weight we set off rattling down the interstate with Jenni driving and happily singing show tunes. And me, sitting in a rain soaked seat 3 inches from the windshield (my seat had been pushed forward as far as it would go) with my knees firmly plastered to my chest (my foot room was taken by our luggage) and my neck at an unnatural angle, since my headrest had folded in on itself from the weight of our cargo.
Yes, the 6 hour ride home was uncomfortable. Yes, I have had to see my chiropractor twice in the last 4 days, but baby, it was all worth it! Who needs a straight spine when you have an amazing best friend and 6 perfectly matching wicker baskets instead?
I can't wait for our next “Jenber” adventure!! Giddy-Up!
